Ask god to cure the sick (me).

I want to write, but I don’t know what to write. I was at university yesterday and I should have stayed, but I couldn't, so I came back home. The bus I came back with was some thing for itself, first it took 45 minutes for it to get full, the it took 15 minutes to get going, only 30 minutes later it had an accident and we were there for 45 minutes. I got home about 2 hours later than usual and of course I was two times more tired.
Still I am learning bit by bit. Take your hands up in the air and ask god to cure the sick (me).

آن نفسی که باخودی خو توشکارپشه ای وان نفسی که بيخودی پيل شکار آيدت

Its 18 days from my midterm data structures exam and I have my DS final exam in 3 days, that means that 21 days after a midterm exam its time for the final exam. This is like a joke.
Last night, I felt like every thing was clear, I can't say the way everything was, but I know that I had no contradictions in my mind, I was clear about every thing, my mind was quiet and I was in a state of happiness. Yesterday I had wrote that I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if I could leave everything or not, I had a problem then, but now I feel that there was no problem in the first place, now I know that I was fooling myself, that I was wrong, I was uncertain, and now I know that being uncertain, was because I wasn't related to the outside world. God give us faith.
Now its 11 minutes to midnight and I don’t feel bad, this writing everything is nice. I've studied a bit of DS and I don’t know whether I should sleep or I should continue studying. My mind is tired and it needs some sleep to keep up with life. I would like to end today's notes with some verses by Molana:
آن نفسی که با خودی يار چو خار آيدت وان نفسی که بيخودی يارچه کار آيدت
آن نفسی که باخودی خو توشکارپشه ای وان نفسی که بيخودی پيل شکار آيدت
جمله بي قراريت از طلب قرار توست طالب بي قرار شو تا که قرار يابدت

Loosing security

Its Four days since I last wrote something, I feel alone and full of misunderstanding.

عظم آن دارم که امشب نيمه مست پای کوبان کوزه دردی به دست
سر به بازار قلندر برنهم پس به يک ساعت ببازم هر چه هست

I am scared of leaving everything; I can't know what will happen to me, anything could happen.

پرده پندار ميبايد دريد توبه تزوير مي بايد شکست

I feel like I have to put away all my belongings, all that I have cared for, all of which made me think I was important, no one can understand what I am saying. Some will say he is trying to look like Molana or whatever, others might say that he is mad, but no one is in my situation, no one can know. The last thing is that maybe I am completely wrong, that maybe I am misled by myself, that maybe this is another way of fooling my self, that maybe this is just a mental reaction to my situation. What ever it is, true or false, it sounds like loosing my security.

Me this Saturday

Its 37 minutes past midnight and I am listening to one of my favorite songs, it says:

ياران ره عشق منزل ندارد وين بحر مواج ساحل ندارد
باری که حملش نايد ز گردون جز ما ضعيفان حامل ندارد

It's by seraj. Tonight I downloaded some of Krishnamurti's books. The last times I had tried to do so I was unsuccessful. Today was a day for itself. I am not sorry for the way it went neither am I proud. So let it be.

Today, just as it went

Today is one of those days that look like any day, it's snowing outside, and I haven't seen the sun shine, the snow is like rain it melts in to water just as it hits the ground, the kind of snow, that we have seen lots of. I like snow when it settles on the ground, when it makes every where look white, when it makes you feel warm. This sort of snow is so beautiful it stops one from thinking, it dissolves one in its beauty, it makes you feel like a child, but what use has this remembering when today's snow won't settle. Let it be as it is.
Today is my little sister's birthday, now she is three years old. I have promised her that Mooshmooshi will come to her birthday party. He is one of the characters, a mouse, from the stories I tell her. She likes him a lot, I made him up myself with all the stories I tell her of him and his friends and family, maybe someday I will write some of those stories. I will have to buy her a toy mouse and tell her that he is Mooshmooshi.
I bought her a toy mouse if anyone calls it a mouse, it looks more like a little bear, but lucky me, she is satisfied, she thinks that he is really Mooshmoohi.

Today, just as it went

Today I am better, Today's morning is bright and full of great senses, I feel better, in two ways, first my cold is getting better, and second my mind feels better today. Our minds have a lot of conflicts with themselves. Sometimes a new morning is just the start of another day like all our other days, days full of worries, fears, angers, and contradictions that take up our energy, and make us feel tired, maybe this is why we want to stay in bed for as much as possible, maybe this is why some of us turn to alcohol or drugs to keep our minds from all the things it sees.
Now its 4 pm in the afternoon and my mind is busy with what I should do and with what I should not do. Today I read another one of Molana's stories, the one about the guy who always asked god to give him food and other things without him doing anything, I could have never thought the story end like that. He is a complete genius. Again I say shall god keep his soul next to himself.
Now its 5:23 pm and through the room's window I saw the blue sky full of scattered clouds. The clouds are darker than the sky as if their hiding something behind them, and at the place were the earth meets the sky, there exits a red color, and as time passes its redness fades and the sky darkens, and all the world seems to go into peace, I was thinking that maybe I shouldn’t put these things in my blog but then again who cares, let it be as it should, I am tired of thinking of what is good and what is bad, why shouldn't we live as we do, why do we always want to change everything?
Here at home I have more time to write and I am finding it joyful. Let it be as it is.

هست را از نسیه خیزد نیستی

Today like yesterday I have a cold, but the fact is that I can't lose anymore time, and I have to start studying for my exams. Today while reading Molana's (Rumi's) poems I came across the verse in the title, and it hit me. This verse comes about in the first story when Molana wants to talk of Shams, after some verses which are about love. The verses no one can forget:
چند گویم عشق را شرح و بیان چون به عشق آیم خجل باشم از آن
I have a great need for Molana when I am at our mandatory, but I cant find him there, on the other side Molana is at home but I don’t go to him when I am at home, maybe this is because I have less to think about when I am at the mandatory, today although I didn’t feel like it but remembering my need while I was in Tehran made me read his verses, at first I wasn't really eager and I felt like I was making myself do something I didn’t want but after a bit when I came across the above verses I forgot about it completely. God keep Molana's soul next to himself.

I have a bad bad cold

As I had said Iam learning bit by bit. Tonight I used YMessenger for the first time and I was pleased with it. For someone who studys Computer this is realy ...
I have a bad bad cold, and I hope to get better tomorrow. Tonights use of the internet was a new experience for me.
I have exams ahead, and I want to study if I can. Todays is gone partly because of my cold and partly because of my laziness. Tomorrow is a new day.